5 Ways to Perfectly Roast Duck.

I think I always start off my blog by talking about how tired and out of ideas I feel.

That’s uplifting.

Today I’m just tired. I’ve got great ideas, I just don’t have the willpower to follow through with them. So here I am in a tired blogging limbo.

I think it’s because when I write i’m using my emotions as a tool to channel what I want to say. So when I’m tired it becomes harder to say what I want to say, because all I really want to talk about is HOW TIRED I AM.

I had this great idea about blogging about some kind of recipe for food. Like I’d name the blog, “5 easy ways to roast that duck” and instead of talking about the actual recipe I’d just talk about nonsense the whole time until the blog was over.

It sounded like a great idea in my head okay. Maybe it’s not a great idea, but you’re never going to find out the amazing ways you could be roasting your duck anyways so suck on that, faithful reader that I’m SO THANKFUL FOR.

I still think it’s a great idea. Like maybe I’d pretend for a second we’d be getting into it. I’d say, “That reminds me about number 4 of the 5 amazing ways you can roast that duck. I’m super excited to show you my techniques for measuring the temperature of the roasted bird, but first let’s talk about my new merch!” You know, it’d be like that.

So let’s talk about my new merch.

I don’t have any new merch. If I had merch though I think it would be the best. It would say “The Daily Johnson” on it, and everyone would either think it’s a news journal or a shady website.


They’’d be right on both counts. I’m a shady news site.

Get the shadiest of news here. Next week I’m going to talk about how shady Oak trees are compared to their brethren, the furn. And while we’re comparing shade:

We might as well throw some.

Just kidding I have no shade to throw. If you’re my parent’s — which you probably are. Let’s be honest here, my parents are the only ones that have made it this far into this rambling blog about a duck roasting recipe that they’re never going to actually get to use because the recipe doesn’t actually exist. —  

Then you probably don’t know what throwing shade is. Throwing shade is like throwing pipe bomb. Accept instead of a pipe bomb, it’s a mean phrase.

Pipe bombs and stones may break my bones, but shade will never hurt me.

Yeah I’m going to bed.

Good luck roasting your duck. I’m sure another boring blog has fifty different ways you can cook chicken by stringing it to the roof of your house and letting it bake in the sun.

That’s not really what this blog is about.

This blog is about the deeper things in life.

Like plugging merch.

Fun Facts about Polar Bears!

Well today is over. Great.

I don’t hardly know what happened today. I woke up, I worked, I talked. Now i’m here.

I like being here, though. Writing just to write. That’s nice.

I hardly have any experiences about my day to blog about. I think my brain shut off after lunch.

So let’s not talk about today. Let’s talk about Polar Bears.

The Polar Bear is the fluffy snowball of the arctic. He enjoys long hunts in the cold, and prefers to stay away from humans.

The Polar Bear does not like Coke.

What else can we learn about this beautiful animal?

 

 

  1. Polar bears can smell their prey from a mile away.

 

 

Well that’s. . . unsettling. .  Apparently even if you were under a thick layer of snow the Polar Bear could find you. Fascinating! The Polar Bear’s sense of smell is just another amazing thing to admire about this wonderful creature. I wish I could smell like that. I wouldn’t have to use my GPS to find the nearest Chic-Fil-A ever again!

 

  1. The Polar Bear is a stealth hunter. Often tracking prey for days, or calmly waiting hours for their prey to appear.

 

Polar bears are little snowy ninjas aren’t they! See this is what I love about learning about animals in nature. There is always something that we can learn, and maybe even grow from!

There are even more fun facts for us to learn!

 

  1. Usually, they kill their prey by biting into their head and crushing their skull.

 

Okay what.

 

     4.  Polar Bears have been known to hunt humans. Sometimes pursuing them for days

 

Okay that’s not tr-

 

     5.. In one event a Polar Bear hunted a photographer and nearly killed him. The bear ripped the doors off his truck while he was driving away.

 

Well. . . I mean the rule with bears is you just zig-zag and run away. . . Righ-

 

  1. THE POLAR BEAR CAN RUN AT SPEEDS CLOSE TO 30 MILES PER HOUR.

 

What is happening here? Okay I’ll just swim. I’ll swim awa-

 

     7. THE POLAR BEAR CAN SWIM FOR DAYS. LITERALLY FOR DAYS.

 

Well if I don’t have a choice. I’ll just play dead!

 

    8. POLAR BEAR ATTACKS ARE NEARLY ALWAYS FATAL.

 

Fine! Then I’m fighting back! I’m getting an infrared scope and I’ll hunt the hunter!

   9. DUE TO THEIR THICK TISSUE AND FUR THE POLAR BEAR IS NEARLY INVISIBLE TO INFRARED. IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT, THEY ARE VIRTUALLY UNDETECTABLE.

 

I don’t want to learn about polar bears anymore!

 10. THE POLAR BEAR WILL FIND YOU.

 

STOP IT.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

  1. The polar bear loves to cuddle with other Polar Bears.

 

Aw okay that’s cute.

Photo by Menglong Bao on Unsplash

4 Tips to Write Better Blogs

Update. I finished the rough draft of the paper I was complaining about yesterday.

It’s not great.

I’m very happy with it.

I was just thinking today about the difference between assigned writing, and a free-flow blog. I start many of my blogs just by typing out some nonsense, and slowly it forms into a coherent and messy production. On the other hand, I’ve also walked into a blog with an inspired and well defined subject. I like both approaches very much, though I think I lean towards the former. I enjoy being able to talk about my thoughts without feeling like I need to conform to an overall theme.

It’s even easier to write if you choose bullet points. That way you can still make it up as you go, and it makes it look like you’re smart. If I chose before starting this blog that it was going to be called “4 tips to writers” that would be way easier to write than just sifting through a cascade of my own thoughts. Plus, lists are a great way to reach a broader audience.

Wait why don’t I just do that.

Think of the views.

Here’s how to write better blogs:

1. Brag about statistics on every social platform.

This is a must. How are people going to know that you have a thousand followers on twitter if you don’t tell them. Everyone wants to know how your blog is doing. Don’t create content that you are inspired by. Create content that will generate more traffic. Always start your blog by mentioning your newest give-a-way, or talk about the follower milestone you just smashed! Jam some original content at the bottom next to all your egotistical humble-bragging.

2. Fit in.

Are you struggling to create your own blog? Just look at other successful blogs that are doing a better job than you! Copy them! Don’t use your imagination to create something new. And don’t use your unique perspective to perhaps make a statement that others around you might not agree with.

Simply yell into the echo-chamber. Again, Twitter is great for that! It’s such a wonderful echo-chamber!

I think I’ve been on Twitter too much…

3. Let others know how amazing your blogs are!

Your views may not be there yet, but that’s not because your content needs to get better. It’s because you just haven’t yelled to enough people to read your blog! Post at least once a month. And when you do post make sure you talk about how hard it was for you to scrape together four coherent paragraphs about how much you love your dog Shredder. Be proud of that blog. Be proud of Shredder. If you don’t expect an Emmy and thousands of dollars for every blog, you’re obviously not living up to your own amazing writing ability.

So tell everyone.

Everyone.

4. Listen to advice, but also, don’t.

You know what. Success in life is a combination of luck and hard work. I was told once that the harder you work the luckier you get. There’s not a lot in life that’s truer than that. When you are doing something you love you will get better over time. Your goal shouldn’t be attention, or that sweet sweet blog money. Your goal should be making something you’re proud of.

Criticism and advice is important for us all to get better and grow.  But you know what, if you have the vision for something, that’s your vision. Someone else may have a problem with it because they don’t see what you see. You will be successful in your own way, not someone else’s.

So now that I’ve given you all this golden wisdom, make sure to like, subscribe, and comment about how much I improved your life.

Everyday Johnson is about to hit 50 followers on WordPress. In celebration, I’m going to give away a crisp dollar bill to one of my lucky followers.

You all mean so much to me.

As long as you give me more attention.
Again, like and subscribe. I love you all so much.
So, so much.

Photo by Cathryn Lavery on Unsplash

My Routine.

Here’s how my days go:

5 A.M.

I wake up two minutes before the alarm goes off. I laugh cheerfully to myself as I make sure to turn it off before it plays its quiet tune, then I hop out of bed and hit the showers. I clean effectively and efficiently. I whistle Frank Sinatra to myself in the shower, “I did it my way!!!” but really it sounds like, “whistle whistle whistle”. I make sure the shower is as cold as I can get it; it helps my body wake up.

After the shower I’ll make the same amount of eggs I make every morning with a protein shake. I make sure that my body gets plenty of food for the wonderful day ahead! I love eggs. Don’t you?

They’re a super food!

6 A.M.

Now’s the perfect time to head to the gym! The gym is the best part about waking up in the morning! I make sure to go at least five times a week. If not more! It’s even better to go twice a day, but I only get to do that if I’m lucky!

After the gym, I’ll generally head home to start working on school! 

7:30 A.M.

With a cup of coffee in hand and a song in my heart I generally knock out a good portion of school in the morning. Give me a couple hours and I’ll have most of my reading done. I’ve already exceeded the tasks that I set out for myself to do today! Wow! I’m so impressed with myself today, and I learned so much! The educational system is excellent! Especially online college!

9:30 A.M.

If I sound sarcastic it’s just because I’m so dang happy.

After completing my schoolwork for the day It’s time for me to be productive. Generally I set aside this time to read a book for myself for a while. Maybe I’ll write a quick blog, maybe I’ll read my bible by the window and stare off in eager contemplation. During this time I like to have my deepest thoughts:

Why are we here?

What is my purpose?

What kinds of errands do I need to do later?

Stuff like that.

10:30

It’s errand time. Like I said, I have a list. So I do the things on the list and drive around for a while. Usually I finish this a little before lunch, then I go make a kosher meal for myself and wash all the dishes for my roommate.

After lunch I go to work for the rest of the day. I work as a server, and I always have great tables. It’s really amazing, I know I’m blessed. All these 25% tips flying my way, I’m going to be genuinely sad when my blogging career takes off and I quit.

After work I come home and spend some leisure time before bed. I chat with the roommate, and the cat. Oftentimes we are so inspired by our Godly conversation that we all circle up and pray! (Yes, even the cat! I hold his little paws while we all bow).

After prayer time, we all get ready for bed. I’ve never had a cavity, but I always make sure to shine these pearly whites.

Then it’s time for sleep, another blissful day.

And that’s more or less how all my days go.

Every. Single. Day.

Wow my life is so amazing.

 

I’m so amazing.

 

Wow.

Photo by Sander Dalhuisen on Unsplash

Brainstorming.

You know what I’d like to do someday? I’d like to write a book. Like a full fledged fictional novel, perhaps a series. If I could do that for a living, and make money, that would be a dream.

Things I have in my way: I get super passionate about things for about two days before I give up. You know, because accomplishing things takes time, and is often hard. I often get in my head that something is going to be easy, and when I don’t see immediate results I get discouraged and lose interest.

I’ve always had a dream of writing a novel, but that discouragement has often gotten in the way. The biggest reason I’ve started the blog is a way to practice disciplining myself to write every single day. . . I know it’s not the same, but it’s inspiring me again to pick up the keyboard and write an outline for a novel.

I was brainstorming some ideas for a novel, but just ended up writing ideas for the blog. Hey, I like the blog, what can I say:

A documentary type short story where it shows the cruel working conditions within fictional businesses. For example: The terrible working environment of the Crusty-Crab. How the employees are mistreated by their boss, swindled into working for less than minimum wage, and how the employee’s often don’t know they’re being abused. OR: The inner workings of the Mystery Machine, and how all of the members of Scooby-doo secretly hate each other.

Story idea about a family of squids and their trials in life. The moral to the story could be about how it’s important to be flexible and squishy in certain situations. You know, like how squids are.

A story about a rice salesman who is just so passionate about rice that everyone loves him. (Granted, this story is just from my life. Godspeed magical rice salesman, I’ll never forget you.)

A mystery about a man who is gradually getting more and more irritated throughout the day and he doesn’t know why. Perhaps it’ll be an inner dialogue the whole time: His thoughts slowly drifting into rage. Maybe it’ll end with him realizing he forgot to drink his morning coffee.

A story about a cat owner who owns about fifty cats. He never cleans up the hair, and he is slowly engulfed by the shedding. He could be like a hoarder, but of cat-hair. . . Okay this is probably the most disturbing thing I’ve written so far. I’m like, disgusted.

A story about a man who writes a one hit wonder, and how he slowly becomes a terrible, bitter person, because he isn’t able to recreate the magic again.

A story about a man who’s job is a self-help Guru, but he’s actually horrible at his job. And the reason why he continues to make money is because somehow, his terrible advice always works out for the person he advises. Example: He tells a man the way that he should propose to his Girlfriend is to pretend that he’s a mugger and scare her; then reveal that it was just a prank. Then the man does this, trusting in the wisdom of the Guru, but he stages the pretend mugging just as another person is actually mugging his girlfriend, and he saves her.

What are some ideas you have for short story’s or novels? What’s their title?

Last idea: A man finds a magical keyboard, and he thinks it makes him incredible at playing the keyboard. What he doesn’t know is that he’s just delusional, and that he’s actually terrible. Everyone in the universe doesn’t want to tell him that he’s actually ba- wait I think I’m stealing this plot from a trailer I watched a couple days ago for a show. . . whoops. . .

Maybe that could be an idea! A man who thinks that all his ideas are original, but they’re just not.

That would be great.

 

Wouldn’t it.

Sugar Sugar.

Tonight, in blissful inspiration I drove about three miles to the local Andy’s.

Andy’s is frozen custard. Frozen. Flipping. Custard. Custard uses egg yolks, cream, and milk, in order to make the densest, most delicious ice cream you’ve ever tasted on your mouth parts. At Andy’s they’ll combine your Custard with whatever you want. Do you want peanut butter, fudge, and pieces of Oreo? It’s called the Funky Jamestown Jack Hammer. Or something, I think. I don’t know what it’s called okay all I know is that it’s AMAZING.

I’m not even sure why I’m blogging about it; all I know is that I’ve got about sixty grams of sugar coursing through my veins from that custard.

I feel like superman.

I was craving sugar today, literally all day. I was so good too! I went to the gym, I had chicken for lunch, and chicken for dinner. Pretty much only ate chicken all day; in different ways of course though. Like for lunch it was a chicken sandwich, and for dinner it was chicken but the dinner version. . .  Which means it’s bland and you choke it down with water.

I ate a plain bagel for breakfast. If I was any more boring I’d be eating plain oatmeal with dry toast. I knew a guy who did that at the restaurant I used to work at.

He was nice.

So you know what, when I had the urge to get Andy’s at ten-thirty at night, I went for it. I deserved this; if anyone on earth deserved Andy’s at that moment in time, it was ME.

Also, side note, did you know that you’re only supposed to have twenty-five grams of processed sugar a day? You know how much sugar is in a coke?

More than twenty-five grams.

So today was good. As i said, bland bagel, bland chicken, GYM TIME, bland chicken, ANDY’S.

If you were to look at my life in moments where I ate food and worked out, It’d look like the sentence above.

BUT.

I’m so much more! You know why I ate that bland bagel? I was in a Starbucks working on writing a paper. The paper was about Pride and Prejudice. Something about how Elizabeth and Darcy have trouble communicating. It was great; I proofread it once and submitted it. I’m sure I’ll get an A++

I actually lied about having bland chicken for lunch. I actually ate flavorful chicken for lunch, because I went to Chic-Fil-A. You know how Andy’s is supreme in anything custard? Chic-Fil-A is supreme in anything chicken, and they also love Jesus.

WHERE MY CHICKEN LOVING JESUS PRAISERS AT.

Now why I know why they call coke, coke. I’ve got so much sugar coursing through me I can see sound.

I listened to an Audiobook while I ate my lunch. It was nice.

That was my brief intermission, and then I was back in paper-writing mode. . . I don’t know what my deal is, maybe I get distracted too easily, but I feel like it takes me forever to write papers. It took me about six hours to write a six page paper. That’s about a page an hour. I’m like the Usain Bolt of writing papers. If that means that I write slowly, I’m exactly that.

I also had a conversation about zombie romances with a friend. It was nice.

During the period of time leading up to the bland chicken that I consumed, I took a break and played a game. I then consumed the bland chicken, talked to the roommate, got the nectar of the God’s (Andy’s. I mean I’m sure you could have assumed that, but I wanted to make sure. Parentheses are awesome, It’s like we’re having our own private conversation here outside of the blog. How’s your day going? . . ) and after I just sat down here and wrote.

Obviously I wrote like a crazy person.

 

That’s sugar for you.

 

Sweet, sweet sugar.

GLASSES.

Did I mention I have glasses now? That makes me an intellectual. Now, instead of just writing about whatever comes to my mind, I’m going to write about intellectual things. Stay tuned for my next few blogs: “How to Become the Queen of England when you’re an American, and a Man.” and “How Insider Trading Works: Twelve Helpful Tips to Fool The Government!”. Both are pieces that I haven’t even started yet, but they’ll be super intellectual.

Trust me, I wear glasses.

Everything is so clear to me now. It was as if everything around me was fuzzy, and now it’s clear. Like the prisms of my reality have shifted to refract light in a whole new way. I see people in a whole new light now. My perspective has completely changed. It’s as if when the optometrist fixed the astigmatism in my eyes, she also fixed the astigmatism in my heart.

Just kidding I’m just trying to bring more attention to the fact that I WEAR GLASSES NOW.

Now I can be stereotyped as someone who’s smart simply because they wear glasses. That’s a whole different level. I don’t even have to try anymore, the glasses speak for me. It’s both a handicap for my eyes, and a handicap for the way others view me. I’m not just Johnson now, I’m Smart Johnson. I’ve gotten an upgrade. Scientifically it also makes my face look more symmetrical, so not only am I Smart Johnson, I’m HOT JOHNSON. As you know the first thing a woman looks for in a man is symmetry.

I can no longer listen to Hip Hop or rap. My entire playlist will now revolve around classics: Mozart, Beethoven, Maroon V. . . Only the type of music you’re supposed to play to your baby in order to increase their intelligence. And let me tell you what, I’m going to have some smart babies with incredible tastes for music. That may be a tangent, but it’s the truth.

I feel like Algernon. The moment I put on these glasses my IQ doubled. Now I can solve the equation no-one else can solve, and prove to Robin Williams that I actually have a good Boston accent. Also with this new-found knowledge I can tell you one thing for certain:

Will Smith is going to be a terrible Genie.

I’ve sorta derailed this blog into a hysterical rant about glasses. I was pretty sure I was going to talk about something else.

LET’S MOVE ON

One thing I’ve been thinking about is rhythm in written language. Have you ever read a book that seemed to have tempo? The sentence structure and words paint a picture not only in what they say, but in how it’s written. I know this is deeply rooted in poetry, but it’s just become a little clearer to me that many writers, not just in poetry, have their own distinctive rhythm in the way they write.

The gentle use of words that calm the mind and relax the soul, can give way in an instant to rivers of prose that disrupt your train of thought. . . A writer can plant a seed of an idea within you that they never intended. Words on paper have a soul of their own that whisper to you when you least expect it, or even when you didn’t think you were listening. Something you may have read offhand years ago may thunder in your mind in a time of dire need.

Now that I’m focusing on writing more often, I’m definitely getting a sense for the rhythm that I want to convey when I write. I want to write in a voice that is distinctive to me; that later on, others will read and know that I wrote it.

That’s a dream, isn’t it?

The dream of the most intellectual Johnson that exists: the Glasses Johnson.

 

The Late Night One Draft Momblog EXTRAVAGANZA.

Oh, it’s eleven and I haven’t blogged yet. This should be fun.

So today was a day.

Do bloggers ever just blog about how their days were? What is a blog even. Is it a snapshot into a person’s life, and a glimpse into how they view the world? Is it supposed to be informative or entertaining or insightful or. . . what?

I’m still figuring this out honestly. The goal is to write what’s on my mind, and to do something that might also be entertaining for others, but I still have a pretty rough definition of what a blog actually is; so I guess we’ll figure this out together.

So I guess if we’re going the whole, “Snapshot of my life” direction here’s how my day went:

I woke up with a start, my roommates alarm went off with the sound of an anthrax alarm being blown in my ear. I look at the clock, 6:00 A.M. . . I drift off back to sleep, i’m not supposed to be up for another hour. At eight I woke up again. . . I overslept.

I guess that’s why my roommates alarm sounds like an F6 Tornado Siren.

My roommates name is T-Jay. He’s nice.

After hustling to get ready since I was running a tad late, (In this situation I didn’t actually hustle. I just walked to the closet and put on clothes like a human. Well, I may have put on my jeans vigorously, but i wasn’t really in a rush.) I got in my car and ran to a place called VISION, or SIGHT, or EYEBALLS OF AMERICA; It was an optometrist, I can’t remember what the place was called. I got my vision tested and a prescription was made. I walked out of there with my wallet a little lighter, but my future a little clearer.

Clearer because I’ll be wearing glasses. You get it? DO YOU GET I-

Anyways.

After that I went to Starbucks; or as us coffee drinking pedantic millennial’s like to call it: “The S.B.” . . . Well actually only I call it that. Only this pedantic Millennial says that.

Starbucks is my haven. I’ve been going there the past few days to study my textbooks and write silly papers on why I think pointless characters in pointless plays did pointless actions that I don’t care about. And then I need to pretend that I found meaning in the pointlessness.

Maybe that’s a profound thing though; you have to find meaning in even the most mundane things in life.

Yeah just kidding it’s stupid.

After doing my incredibly fulfilling and absolutely not a waste of time school work I went to church. That’s what you do in Tulsa, you go to church five times a week. Then if you went to church in the afternoon, you can go to it again in the evening. Then your church friends invite you to church functions that are at other churches and you get all networked together in a spiderweb of JESUS. . . Yeah that whole paragraph sounded really sarcastic, but i actually love going to church all the time. It’s fun being caught in the Jesus web.

I may be making a lot more spider allusions because I’m currently in the process of watching Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse again. I’m going to post a review of it tomorrow praising it for it’s fantastic-ness. I was going to do that today but I didn’t have time due to all the Jesus praising paper writing adventure.

Wow, I didn’t mean to write that much. look at all those Paragraphs. . . Amazing.

It may be half past eleven here, but this counts as a daily blog. Take tomorrow as an opportunity to study, make friends, and get caught in the spiderweb of JESUS.

WRITERS BLOCK.

Where’s the BLOG JOHNSON? HUH?

Here I am, sitting in my apartment that i’m sharing with a buddy in the middle of Tulsa Oklahoma. Finally after already being here for over week I got my desk in a place that i’m happy with, I unpacked my computer, and here I am, not knowing at all what to blog about.

WRITER’S BLOCK

Today I have writer’s block. My definition of writer’s block is when you simply don’t write. You just kind of avoid sitting down to write at all costs. Earlier I thought it would be a good idea to write, and then I remembered that I had writers block, so I didn’t write. Another example of writer’s block was when later on in the day today I had the desire to write again, especially after one of my friends told me that I haven’t blogged in a while (It’s daily, but you know. . . sometimes it isn’t. . .) So before sitting to write I decided to go shopping. Because as you know, when you have the desire to write, the perfect thing to do at that point is to run errands.

So as I was saying, sometimes you just need to go shopping.

Have you ever had those days where you go to the store for something, and then an hour later you realize you forgot to get the thing that you went to the store for, and instead bought some chips? That happens to me literally every day. Today I had to go to the store twice, because when I was at the store the first time I told myself: “Oh! Johnson you need to get olive oil so you can cook this salmon you are currently putting into your basket.” When I got home, no olive oil. So I went back to the store about an hour ago for olive oil. . .   Yesterday I did the same thing. I went to the store to get some hex wrenches so I could build my desk, and instead came home with some Lunchables. The Lunchables were way more delicious than the hex wrenches.

So I went to the store twice today, and twice yesterday. . . Efficient

So as you can see, i wasn’t procrastinating. I wasn’t making excuses. It was writer’s block. Which is both procrastination and an excuse, combined into something that sounds fancy.

The story about going to the store was a tangent. A tangent is something that happens when you get derailed from the original point you were making and instead talk about something else.

Here’s an example of a tangent:

THE HERO’S JOURNEY.  

There’s something in fiction writing that is called the hero’s journey. Just from memory, it goes a little something like this:

 

  1. Hero is not doing well in life, or he’s just some average Joe, doesn’t have a whole lot going for him right now.
  2. An exciting incident happens, for example: The Hero goes to the store to buy salmon, and finds out that he has bought a magical salmon that will grant wishes.
  3. Since the hero doesn’t have olive oil, he can’t cook the magical salmon. The hero is then given some kind of quest. Maybe the salmon needs to go back home so that he can free his magical salmon family that has been trapped by an evil polar bear?
  4. About three quarters through the story, (After the hero and the wish granting salmon have had lots of adventures) The hero hits his lowest point. Perhaps this happens when the salmon and the hero have a fight: Maybe the hero finally finds some olive oil, and out of desperation and hunger tries to eat his new friend. Then the salmon jumps into the river in order to carry on the mission alone, and the hero is left alone and ashamed.
  5. After this happens, the hero has a choice! Accept defeat, or to learn a lesson and to become stronger because of it!
  6. Generally in the story, the hero makes the correct choice, and the Salmon gets to find his family, and the hero learned a valuable lesson about friendship or courage or how you shouldn’t eat your friends or something.

 

The reason I said all that?

I didn’t know what to write about.

Because of all the writers block.

Writer’s block is a disease. Magical salmon is the cure.

SHOP.

Mint is judging me about how much shopping I’ve been doing online recently. Sometimes I like to treat myself, don’t judge me.

Today I was able to go on amazon and look at a practically infinite amount of products that I could buy. Not only could I purchase anything I wanted through a few clicks of a button; now they have a “buy with one click” option. So I don’t even have to go through the hassle of clicking through a few pages. Perhaps they do this so that I don’t second guess buying another desk cactus. How dare they; I know exactly what I want:

A forest of desk cactus’s.

Cacti? Desk Cacti? Someone tell me the plural of Cactus right now.

Or maybe I just purchased another awesome gadget I saw on the “Today’s hot deals” tab that i’m never going to actually use. I know i’m going to make several excuses in the process of buying my fancy poached egg pan: I’m never going to go back to scrambled eggs now. I’m going to make eggs Benedict EVERY DAY.  It may not be time effective, but it’s just so good.

In 2019 you can take consumerism to new heights. Do you want a framed picture of Clifford the Red Dog? You can have it in two days or less with Prime. Don’t take into account that half the stuff you buy you’re going to throw in a box and never look at again for the next six months. Until you randomly stumble upon it while looking for a can opener, and make some type of excuse to use your Perfect Pear Peeler again.  

This year I was thinking about taking a shot at minimalism. One of the ways you can get started in living a more minimalistic life is by throwing things away that are not integral to your daily life. Start the first day by throwing away one thing. The next day throw away two things. Next day three, and so forth for a month. Imagine throwing away thirty things in a day. Wouldn’t that feel amazing?  

Yeah no it wouldn’t. Are you telling me that someday I’ll have to throw away that Bluetooth radio that’s been sitting on my desk for a year that I haven’t even used once? How dare you. It holds sentimental value to me because it’s been sitting there for so long. I just can’t get rid of it. There’s also the possibility that I might use it sometime perhaps maybe.

I have always kept the belief that humanity can justify doing just about anything. Shopping is no exception, and I think it’s beautiful. Absolutely, your music career will take off the instant you buy that six-hundred dollar guitar; rather than learning what a C# is on the guitar you own currently. The issue is it’s acoustic, you need electric.

Sales are even better. I got a notification from Steam yesterday saying that a game on my wish-list was on sale. Are you serious? Another game? I’ve only got hundreds that I’ve already purchased. Most of which I haven’t even completed. I shall add this one to my collection. I might not even play it. I just want to know it’s there for me.

 

Shop responsibly.

Or don’t I don’t care.