Did I mention I have glasses now? That makes me an intellectual. Now, instead of just writing about whatever comes to my mind, I’m going to write about intellectual things. Stay tuned for my next few blogs: “How to Become the Queen of England when you’re an American, and a Man.” and “How Insider Trading Works: Twelve Helpful Tips to Fool The Government!”. Both are pieces that I haven’t even started yet, but they’ll be super intellectual.

Trust me, I wear glasses.

Everything is so clear to me now. It was as if everything around me was fuzzy, and now it’s clear. Like the prisms of my reality have shifted to refract light in a whole new way. I see people in a whole new light now. My perspective has completely changed. It’s as if when the optometrist fixed the astigmatism in my eyes, she also fixed the astigmatism in my heart.

Just kidding I’m just trying to bring more attention to the fact that I WEAR GLASSES NOW.

Now I can be stereotyped as someone who’s smart simply because they wear glasses. That’s a whole different level. I don’t even have to try anymore, the glasses speak for me. It’s both a handicap for my eyes, and a handicap for the way others view me. I’m not just Johnson now, I’m Smart Johnson. I’ve gotten an upgrade. Scientifically it also makes my face look more symmetrical, so not only am I Smart Johnson, I’m HOT JOHNSON. As you know the first thing a woman looks for in a man is symmetry.

I can no longer listen to Hip Hop or rap. My entire playlist will now revolve around classics: Mozart, Beethoven, Maroon V. . . Only the type of music you’re supposed to play to your baby in order to increase their intelligence. And let me tell you what, I’m going to have some smart babies with incredible tastes for music. That may be a tangent, but it’s the truth.

I feel like Algernon. The moment I put on these glasses my IQ doubled. Now I can solve the equation no-one else can solve, and prove to Robin Williams that I actually have a good Boston accent. Also with this new-found knowledge I can tell you one thing for certain:

Will Smith is going to be a terrible Genie.

I’ve sorta derailed this blog into a hysterical rant about glasses. I was pretty sure I was going to talk about something else.


One thing I’ve been thinking about is rhythm in written language. Have you ever read a book that seemed to have tempo? The sentence structure and words paint a picture not only in what they say, but in how it’s written. I know this is deeply rooted in poetry, but it’s just become a little clearer to me that many writers, not just in poetry, have their own distinctive rhythm in the way they write.

The gentle use of words that calm the mind and relax the soul, can give way in an instant to rivers of prose that disrupt your train of thought. . . A writer can plant a seed of an idea within you that they never intended. Words on paper have a soul of their own that whisper to you when you least expect it, or even when you didn’t think you were listening. Something you may have read offhand years ago may thunder in your mind in a time of dire need.

Now that I’m focusing on writing more often, I’m definitely getting a sense for the rhythm that I want to convey when I write. I want to write in a voice that is distinctive to me; that later on, others will read and know that I wrote it.

That’s a dream, isn’t it?

The dream of the most intellectual Johnson that exists: the Glasses Johnson.


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