Marmalade.

Marmalade. Have you ever had marmalade? Imagine a sick orange throwing up in your mouth. That’s marmalade.

See, I work in a restaurant where we have Smucker’s orange marmalade served with the other far superior jellies. Guess which one is always left in the bucket at the end of the day. It’s marmalade.

Now you have to tell me, “Johnson, marmalade doesn’t deserve the hate that you’re  giving it right now.” And you, sir-ma’am-person, are wrong; marmalade deserves more hate than it gets.

Marmalade is the jelly equivalent to killing Batman’s parents.

When I go to grab some delicious jelly to put on my warm and mouth-watering toast, and there’s nothing but marmalade, that’s how I feel. Batman’s parents were just like me, they were looking for something and got shot instead. Well it’s not really the same but that’s how I was feeling at the moment so it’s STAYING IN THE BLOG.

Marmaduke is an orange stain on the good reputation of jelly. It’s like a second cousin twice removed that keeps weaseling itself into the jelly bowl, asking his more delicious cousins for lunch money.

Marzipan is like a Madkatz controller where all the buttons stick. It’s the jelly you give to your two-year old brother because he’s not going to taste the difference and because you like to save the good jelly for yourself; and who cares, he’s not going to know the difference. . .Right?

You know how they make McDonald’s chicken nuggets? In the chicken factory, after taking apart all of the good parts and packaging all of the wings and thighs they take the remaining guts and bones and grind them into bits. This, my friend is a chicken nugget. This is also how i imagine marmalade is made. They pick a delicious ripe orange, process it into juice, and toss the remaining peel and pulp to be turned into marmalade.

Macklemore is like having victory so close within your grasp, but then you are immediately shot just like batman’s parents were. Seriously, it’s like, so close to being the same thing. Why haven’t they made a comic about Marmalade being a classic villain to an awesome hero. WHY HAVEN’T THEY?

Marmalade is grandma’s revenge.

But wait. Am I wrong about this? Maybe in this crazy world, there are people who love marmalade. And you know what, while I’d like to think this isn’t possible. It is. I’ve had people specially request that I get them marmalade. The confusion in my heart as I brought it to their table, and the worry in my eyes must have had an impression on them.

It’s almost like life: Maybe i’m marmalade to someone? Or maybe sometimes you feel like marmalade. Sometimes you may feel like there’s no possibility that someone in this world would love you: but you’re wrong, someone always will. No person or thing in this world is impossible to love.

Except marmalade.   

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